Sobbing

I find myself sobbing, dog on my lap, nose pressed into my leg. I am reading a statement from Renee’s wife. How Renee was sunshine. How she radiated kindness. How she believed in unity, not division. It breaks my heart into a million pieces, all of the people whose lives have been cut short, are currently being cut short, who are trying to build a better world. Like me. Like my communities. 

I am also currently hiring for an assistant, and I feel so small, so infinitesimally small. Nothing I do will be enough. Nothing will bring these people back, or save more from being taken. I know there is light in the dark. I know these tears are giving voice to years of built up emotions over injustice and all the things out of my control. 

And at the same time, I am so grateful I am finally in a position to be able to expand Poetry Orchard and Tea with HB, communities where I have seen people be deeply moved and inspired and supported. To be able to give someone meaningful work in this atrocious world, yet the two feel disconnected. Slimey. How can I be thinking of my business and work in a world that is being torn apart by fear and hatred? And yet I must. We must. Because we believe these tiny moments and movements make some small difference. Infinitesimal, but worthwhile. That helping somebody feel seen, creating a safe space to process trauma, providing support when healthcare systems aren’t, even though these are not solutions they are part of the wider puzzle. They are necessary. 

So if you too are currently stricken by grief, immobilised by injustice, maybe even sobbing with a dog on your lap just like me: I see you. You’re not alone. Every small decision you make, to be kind in the face of hatred, to be curious instead of judgemental, to be loud when they want you to be silent. It matters. You matter. We are all in this together, and a better world is on her way because of that.